How to switch from malicious to kind envy? Here are four steps recommended by a psychologist.
Step 1. Acknowledge the fact. Say it out loud to yourself: “Yes, I am jealous. And that’s normal.” Many people are afraid to even have an honest internal conversation. But in vain. Envy doesn’t go away just by hiding it. It only goes away when you acknowledge it.
Step 2. Break it down. Ask yourself: What exactly am I jealous of? Not my friend’s abstract “success,” but specifically—her confidence? Her money? Her freedom? Or her ability to get enough sleep? The more precise your answer, the easier it will be to understand what you’re really missing.
Step 3. Ask yourself: What can I do today? Envy becomes toxic when you get stuck in a passive position. Translate it into an action plan. If you envy someone else’s car, perhaps what you need isn’t a car, but a sense of control over your life. What does that feeling give you? Start saving? Change your job? Are you jealous of your neighbor’s vacation? Maybe you’re just missing out on at least one productive weekend.
Step 4. Use your “envious energy” to compliment. The most powerful way to neutralize malicious envy is to approach the person and sincerely praise them. “You have an amazing car,” “You did a fantastic job at the presentation.” When you compliment, the brain switches from competition to cooperation. And envy melts.
A Brisbane tabloid reader shared this story: “I was incredibly envious of my brother, who opened a cafe and was doing well in business. Instead of being happy, I looked for flaws: ‘Not many customers,’ ‘The coffee isn’t good.’ Then I read this article and realized: I really wanted my own business, but I was afraid. A month later, I rented a food truck. My brother and I compete, but in a friendly way. Envy has become a sporting interest.”
Envy of friends deserves special attention. Psychologists say we envy our friends the most because we have the same start. If a billionaire you don’t know bought a yacht, you don’t care. If a school friend bought a slightly better car than yours, you explode inside. This is an evolutionary mechanism: in ancient times, equality in a group meant survival. Today, this mechanism prevents us from enjoying the successes of those close to us. Once you recognize this, you can say to yourself, “It wasn’t he who took it from me; it was just my monkey nature making noise.” And breathe a sigh of relief.
Instead of sweeping envy under the rug, use it as a compass. It will show you where to grow. The main thing is to remember: someone else’s success doesn’t diminish your own. There’s plenty of room in the world for all the great vacations, cars, and promotions.
