Imagine scrolling through your Instagram feed and seeing that your best friend bought a new car. Or a colleague got the promotion you’ve been dreaming of. Or a neighbor posted a photo from their vacation in the Maldives. And something warm rises inside you… no, not joy. Something sticky and disgusting. You feel ashamed, you look away, but the feeling remains. This is envy. And most Australians, like people anywhere in the world, are accustomed to considering envy a mortal sin, a sign of pettiness or ingratitude. But psychologists say the opposite: envy is not a vice, but a signal. And a very valuable signal, one that can change your life for the better.
Melbourne psychologist Dr. James O’Connor (a social psychologist) asserts: “Envy is a disguised desire. We don’t envy what we don’t care about.” If you’re annoyed that your friend has a new car, it means you really want a new car yourself, or at least the feeling of freedom and status it symbolizes. If you’re envious of a colleague’s career advancement, it means your ambition is unfulfilled. The problem isn’t envy, but rather that we suppress it, feel ashamed of it, and fail to learn from it.
A 2022 study from the University of New South Wales revealed an interesting pattern: people who acknowledge and analyze their envy are more likely to achieve their goals six months later than those who simply brush it off. Envy works like an internal GPS: it shows you the direction you want to go. The problem is, we usually don’t know how to read this GPS. Instead of “what do I really want?” we think “why does she have it and I don’t?” and retreat into self-flagellation.
Dr. O’Connor identifies two types of envy—and they work differently.
Malicious envy is when you don’t want to acquire what you want, but rather to take it from someone. You dream of your neighbor’s Maldives being taken away. You dream of your colleague failing at a promotion. This envy is destructive; it drives gossip, petty spite, and ultimately poisons your life. Because even if your neighbor becomes poor, you won’t become richer or happier.
Kind (white) envy is when someone else’s success spurres you on. “If she could start her own business, why can’t I?” “If he lost weight by the summer, that means I can too.” This kind of envy is the engine of progress. O’Connor calls it “envy-admiration.” The difference is one: with malicious envy, you focus on the other person (how to punish them), while with kind envy, you focus on yourself (what to do to get the same).
