Sign 2. They introduce new, unexplained vocabulary or habits
Humans are creatures of habit. When someone has an affair, they inevitably bring small traces of the other person into their own life — without realising it. Webb’s favourite example: a client who suspected her husband because he suddenly started using the phrase “fair dinkum” (which he’d never said before) and bought a brand of muesli he’d always hated. It turned out his new colleague — with whom he was having an affair — was from Queensland and used that phrase constantly, and she’d recommended the muesli. “The brain leaks,” Webb says. “Pay attention to unexplained changes: new slang, new music tastes, suddenly caring about a sport they never watched, or being interested in a hobby they previously mocked.” Of course, people can pick up new habits from friends or work without cheating. The key is suddenness and lack of explanation. If you ask “Where did you learn that phrase?” and they say “Oh, just heard it somewhere” — vague, defensive — that’s a bigger signal than the habit itself.
Sign 3. They guard their phone, but not how you expect
Everyone knows that a cheating partner hides their phone. But Webb says the red flag isn’t bringing the phone everywhere — it’s changing the baseline behaviour. “If your partner always left their phone on the kitchen counter and suddenly starts taking it to the bathroom every single time, that’s a shift. But also the reverse: a very private person who suddenly leaves their phone unlocked on the sofa might be overcompensating, trying to look innocent.” The specific pattern to watch for: they no longer leave the phone unattended even for two minutes, and they’ve changed their password recently without telling you. But here’s the non‑obvious twist — most cheaters don’t actually delete messages. They use hidden apps (WhatsApp with biometric lock, Signal, Telegram) or archive conversations. So another subtle sign: you see fewer notifications pop up on their lock screen than before. They’ve turned off message previews. Or their notification tone has changed. These micro‑adjustments are often more telling than secretive behaviour.
What these signs are NOT
Before you panic, Webb warns: these signs in isolation mean very little. A partner who stops criticising you might simply have started therapy or decided to be kinder. New habits can come from podcasts, friends, or a new hobby. Phone guarding could be because they’re planning a surprise party for you. The difference is cluster and context. If you notice at least two of the three signs, AND there’s also a decline in sex, AND they’re working late more often, AND they seem emotionally distant — then it’s worth a conversation. But one sign alone is not proof.
What to do if you’re worried
Do not snoop. Do not hire a private investigator without evidence. Do not confront with accusations. Instead, try this script from Webb: “I’ve noticed some changes in us lately. I feel a bit distant from you, and I’m worried. Is everything okay? Is there something we’re not talking about?” Phrase it as concern, not suspicion. In Webb’s experience, 70% of partners who are cheating will deny it initially but will show physical signs of stress (avoiding eye contact, fidgeting, long pauses). Innocent partners will usually look puzzled, then concerned, then ask clarifying questions. A guilty partner often gets angry defensively — “How dare you accuse me!” — before you’ve even accused them.
If your partner admits to cheating, get professional help. The relationship can survive infidelity (studies show about 50% do with good therapy). If they are innocent, you’ve opened a door to talk about distance before it turns into something worse.
A reader from Adelaide wrote: “I suspected my wife for months because of sign number two — she started using corporate buzzwords she’d never said before. I was convinced she was seeing a colleague. One night I calmly asked if something was wrong. She burst into tears. Turns out she was being bullied at work and those phrases were from her horrible manager. She wasn’t cheating — she was suffering. I felt terrible for my suspicion, but glad we talked.”
Another reader wasn’t so lucky: “The patience sign hit me. My husband used to hate my morning music. Then one day he said nothing. Then he started humming along. I thought he’d mellowed. Three months later, I found out he was seeing someone who loved that band. The signs were there. I just called it ‘ageing gracefully’.”
Trust your gut, but verify with calm conversation — not accusations. And remember: even if the worst is true, you can survive it. But most of the time, the distance you feel is fixable without a dramatic blow‑up.
