Imagine scrolling through your Instagram feed and seeing that your best friend bought a new car. Or a colleague got the promotion you’ve been dreaming of. Or a neighbor posted a photo from their vacation in the Maldives. And something warm rises inside you… no, not joy. Something sticky and disgusting. You feel ashamed, you look away, but the feeling remains. This is envy. And most Australians, like people anywhere in the world, are accustomed to considering envy a mortal sin, a sign of pettiness or ingratitude. But psychologists say the opposite: envy is not a vice, but a signal. And a very valuable signal, one that can change your life for the better.<\/p>\n
Melbourne psychologist Dr. James O’Connor (a social psychologist) asserts: “Envy is a disguised desire. We don’t envy what we don’t care about.” If you’re annoyed that your friend has a new car, it means you really want a new car yourself, or at least the feeling of freedom and status it symbolizes. If you’re envious of a colleague’s career advancement, it means your ambition is unfulfilled. The problem isn’t envy, but rather that we suppress it, feel ashamed of it, and fail to learn from it.<\/p>\n
A 2022 study from the University of New South Wales revealed an interesting pattern: people who acknowledge and analyze their envy are more likely to achieve their goals six months later than those who simply brush it off. Envy works like an internal GPS: it shows you the direction you want to go. The problem is, we usually don’t know how to read this GPS. Instead of “what do I really want?” we think “why does she have it and I don’t?” and retreat into self-flagellation.<\/p>\n
Dr. O’Connor identifies two types of envy\u2014and they work differently.<\/p>\n
Malicious envy is when you don’t want to acquire what you want, but rather to take it from someone. You dream of your neighbor’s Maldives being taken away. You dream of your colleague failing at a promotion. This envy is destructive; it drives gossip, petty spite, and ultimately poisons your life. Because even if your neighbor becomes poor, you won’t become richer or happier.<\/p>\n
Kind (white) envy is when someone else’s success spurres you on. “If she could start her own business, why can’t I?” “If he lost weight by the summer, that means I can too.” This kind of envy is the engine of progress. O’Connor calls it “envy-admiration.” The difference is one: with malicious envy, you focus on the other person (how to punish them), while with kind envy, you focus on yourself (what to do to get the same).<\/p>\n
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How to switch from malicious to kind envy? Here are four steps recommended by a psychologist.<\/p>\n
Step 1. Acknowledge the fact. Say it out loud to yourself: “Yes, I am jealous. And that’s normal.” Many people are afraid to even have an honest internal conversation. But in vain. Envy doesn’t go away just by hiding it. It only goes away when you acknowledge it.<\/p>\n
Step 2. Break it down. Ask yourself: What exactly am I jealous of? Not my friend’s abstract “success,” but specifically\u2014her confidence? Her money? Her freedom? Or her ability to get enough sleep? The more precise your answer, the easier it will be to understand what you’re really missing.<\/p>\n
Step 3. Ask yourself: What can I do today? Envy becomes toxic when you get stuck in a passive position. Translate it into an action plan. If you envy someone else’s car, perhaps what you need isn’t a car, but a sense of control over your life. What does that feeling give you? Start saving? Change your job? Are you jealous of your neighbor’s vacation? Maybe you’re just missing out on at least one productive weekend.<\/p>\n
Step 4. Use your “envious energy” to compliment. The most powerful way to neutralize malicious envy is to approach the person and sincerely praise them. “You have an amazing car,” “You did a fantastic job at the presentation.” When you compliment, the brain switches from competition to cooperation. And envy melts.<\/p>\n
A Brisbane tabloid reader shared this story: “I was incredibly envious of my brother, who opened a cafe and was doing well in business. Instead of being happy, I looked for flaws: ‘Not many customers,’ ‘The coffee isn’t good.’ Then I read this article and realized: I really wanted my own business, but I was afraid. A month later, I rented a food truck. My brother and I compete, but in a friendly way. Envy has become a sporting interest.”<\/p>\n
Envy of friends deserves special attention. Psychologists say we envy our friends the most because we have the same start. If a billionaire you don’t know bought a yacht, you don’t care. If a school friend bought a slightly better car than yours, you explode inside. This is an evolutionary mechanism: in ancient times, equality in a group meant survival. Today, this mechanism prevents us from enjoying the successes of those close to us. Once you recognize this, you can say to yourself, “It wasn’t he who took it from me; it was just my monkey nature making noise.” And breathe a sigh of relief.<\/p>\n
Instead of sweeping envy under the rug, use it as a compass. It will show you where to grow. The main thing is to remember: someone else’s success doesn’t diminish your own. There’s plenty of room in the world for all the great vacations, cars, and promotions.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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